Accentuate

This time of the semester is always hard, but I feel like “this time of the semester” has come much, much earlier than it normally does. I am tired. The workload is finally starting to pick up, and at the exact same time I have decided that I don’t care about any of it. It just all feels very pointless in so many ways. Getting a piano performance degree is difficult when you aren’t planning on being a performer. For a while, at least I was thinking about staying in piano; now I don’t know what I want to do, but I think that if it does involve piano, it will be as a teacher. It makes it really difficult to care about memorizing all the keys of all the Bach keyboard works (or, at least, all of those in the partitas, french suites, english suites, the toccatas, & the inventions/sinfonias) and all of the minutia of academia. Maybe it’s just really bad senioritis, or maybe I am just so excited by where I will be in a year (that is, married to the love of my life) that I just want to jump straight ahead to then, but whatever it is, it’s making me really hard for me to care about school.
At the same time, I don’t know what in the world I want to do after graduation, so while on one hand I want really badly to get out of here, on the other hand I am incredibly frightened of what happens after I do. If nothing else, I teach 25 kids at the studio and get a part time job for a year until we move out of Lawrence. In an ideal world, Ryan gets an incredibly fantastically high paying job so I can just be a housewife. Who doesn’t want to just hang out at home, keeping things clean & cooking in a really cute apron & heels? Sounds pretty much perfect to me.

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